Left behind

As with any decision the decision about where to teach next year has it's own positives and negatives. Reasons to go, I get to go and spend time with Brooke, go and train for the Olympics in a harsh environment, get out on my own, make more money, travel, and there is that possibility of the girl. Reasons to stay, only the possibility of the girl, moving fifteen hundred miles for a year or so, only knowing one person, moving away from family, leaving the wrestling team, saving money to buy a house, miss hanging out with David. The missing of family is implied of course.

"Don't let the women on either side sway your decision."

That being said Alaska sounds pretty good. However I must make an adult decision. I cannot go up there without a job waiting for me. A job that is at least on level with the job that I have currently. I will not go up there unless I have an apartment that is affordable and within walking distance to the school that I am teaching at. I want to save as much money as possible. If all of those things happened then yeah I probably would go, at least for a year, just to see how it worked out.

I guess the question that I have to ask myself is, "Would I go if she was not there?" Yeah, given the same set of parameters, I probably would go.

I guess I will wait and see.

Girl of my dreams

There she is, and yet when I try to talk to her it is like I am back in high school. Just a fumbling small talk for a short while. Until something interupts us. I came up here for Brooke, and I want to spend as much time as I can with Brooke. However, I am distracted. During meals, even just walking around stairing off into space.

The problem is I don't know if it is just that there is a pritty girl that is smiling back at me when I smile at her, or if there is actually something to this. I mean it has been a long time since anyone smiled at me like this, and I am not really quite sure if anyone has ever smiled at me like she does. Dear lord, I mean I know what my usual habbit is, fall fast and then just stagnate, everything stays the same as the relationship falls apart. I can't do that here, if there even is a here. What can I do? What should I do?

*Enter the Caveman*

(Caveman) "Well there are two things that you can do."
1) Man up, find her, ask her out, and actually talk to her.
2) Listen to all the excuses and just let this one pass bye.
"Either way quit your complaining." "I mean here you have a girl that works out like you do, wants to be a stay at home mom, is psychologically normal or as close as girls get (according to Brooke and we both value her opinion on normality), never drinks, believes in God without needing to talk about it, and here is the kicker; she actually likes you. So what is your problem? Deal with it or don't but I don't want to hear about it again."

*Caveman leaves to go kill something, or knock something over with his club*

*Enter the Scholar*

(Scholar) "Well young man I guess you have gotten yourself into something that you cannot think your way out of again. This is not a place for logic, there is no reason, there is only action in cases like this. You can either continue to read about women or you can make the other choice. Up to you. Just like father always says 'It is your life.' Maybe it is time you started living it."

*Scholar leaves to read a book about killing something or knocking something over with a club*

You know when I get this frustrated with myself I usually go and work out. Tried that this morning. Didn't exactly get things sorted out quite like it normally does. Normally I am alone with my thoughts that early in the morning in a gym. However I was with my sister and she was working out with her gymnastics team, which said girl is a part of. In my attempt to clear my head I succeeded in clearing it out of everything but. Well squats and shoulders were done while thinking about the girl that is running in the room next to me, abs while she was on a break between cardio and weights, plate workout while she was lifting in another room.

I need to keep my cool, need to remember to not lose myself before I actually know something about someone.

Yes I am at war and at peace with myself. I am at peace with who I am and yet I find conflict inside. My counsel has told me the options that I already knew. I would rather not talk about nor listen to what Giacomo C. had to say in his advice. Because he did not exactly give me a choice, saying that the only choice would be....

Whatever it is that I do it has to be done before Sunday.