Lavender rose

Standing there gazing into the petals of a lavender rose, thoughts drift to a different place and time. Seeing the smooth contours and knowing how they would feel caressing my face only makes me want to step forward, and yet I do not, for the simple reason that I do not want to look like a fool. So for the moment I will just stand, looking deep into the folds, gliding along the curves with a gentle hand. So smooth and soft and yet thorny, you must handle carefully or you will bleed. Grazing exposed flesh with a loose petal allowing the goosebumps to rise, a smile and a giggle follow, marveling at how the color is just a perfect accent to the skin. Writhing there exposed, folds swaying gently in the wind, waiting for a tender warm touch to bloom. Waiting for someone to reach out and show it's beauty to. And yet none of this will happen because I do not want to play the fool; so I do not touch the rose, do not approach the rose, just look with eyes that ache from the pain of longing as I pass by.

I like grapes

Gramma got some grapes from the store and they were good. Some sour some sweet, they were bursting with juice. They take my mind off of the immense load in front of me. Most fruit has that affect on me, except tomatoes. They, while are alright in salad, do not help you to take a journey in your mind with that little kid that only you know to some imaginary stream where you eat sweet fruits in a tree, just watching the river roll on. Of course that could just be me. But there really is nothing like sitting there, not a care in the world, with a piece of ripe fruit in your hand. Peaceful.

It is a confusing time, facing the reality of being 24 and residing in my parents basement, fufill every cliche` in the book. At some point in the next three months I have to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. Or at least for the next five to six years.

That damn song again. It gets me every time. Skin ~ Rascal Flatts powerful stuff. Video is good too. Really heart wrenching.

Anyway on with the putting things that I am thinking down. Three months, three months to decide the rest of my life. The next three months will tell me exactly what type of man I am going to be. I admit that I am still a kid, I have never had a real responsibility in my life, the bills that I have had to pay were really nothing bills, power, cable, internet, rent, food, not a real house payment, not a real car payment, nothing that would really sap a person's income. Well there was the girlfriend bill that I would have to pay periodically but that has not been for a while. Good thing too because I am more broke now than I have ever been in my life. Even as a little kid I had some money, really strange to wish and pray that you make it to the bank to cash your paycheck to put a little gas in a bare bones tank that really is running on fumes, and has been for the past thirty miles, and then the paycheck goes away, spent. But I don't have real worries right now. There is nothing that I have to support other than myself, which I am not doing for the simple fact that I cannot hold a job for the next three months. It is not a matter of not wanting to work for fear of overloading myself, I do that all the time, just ask Amanda about my workouts. Central forbids any and all student teachers to hold jobs. Now I know that I could probably try and sneak around and get a job, but they are holding the piece of paper that says I can get on with my life and break free of the College. It is probably better that I am not dating, nor have had a date since Serafima punched me. One it allows me to deal with the obvious problems that I have had with women, well obvious to some. Allow me to really break away from the old so that I can prepare for the new.

I don't fault the girl that stood me up, I know that the time right after a break up is somewhat sensitive, not her fault not mine either, just a problem that I have had since back in public school... timing. Stories associated with that. Nor do I fault Natasha for either letting me down easy or not wanting to start something at that time. Again timing. There is a song that says something along the lines, Every bump on the road led me right to you, meaning that life takes you where you need to go to allow you to be with the one that, well I would say some funny story here about the person that I am meant to be with but I haven't met her, or if I have met her I have not told her, and if I have not told her than more than likely I have no idea. It would be nice to have some idea though, a hint, an inkling. Maybe just a burning bush that as I walk past says, hey Brandon see that girl in across the street that is the person that will fulfill you completely. Yeah that would be nice, just a little less fun though...

And going back to the grapes, if you get sour grapes just remember that some people like sour grapes. Just like some people liking sitting in martini bars and looking swank, others would rather sit on a tailgate with a bottle of rootbeer looking at the stars. And yet somehow those two people can be close as brothers.

Adult life beckons

So there comes a time in every human being's life where they are brought to a crossroads. Unfortunately mine has four branches. One I know I want to do eventually but I don't know if I want it now. Another I feel like I would enjoy immensely but so much so that I would never travel down the other three paths. One would be eternally rewarding and make up so much Karma points that I lost making funny faces in front of a monument to people crucified. The last one is a one time deal. If I do not choose to do it now I will never get to again. That last one is the tough one. The one that I have thought about quite a lot. Some think that it is the wrong path, that I am supposed to go on to better things, which I could after I had walked the path. I guess I can put off the decision until at least December. Because that is when my interview is.

Oh and I am starting student teaching at South Kitsap High School. Maurice, I kinda wish that I had taken that gun from you when you offered it, I might need it there.... But I am glad that at least one thing in my life has fallen into place. "Yeah that's right where I need to be."

Where does love end?

Seeing as how I have had some rough experiences in relationships I started wondering where my limits were, what would be a deal breaker with a girl. Being that a family member is having problems with a boy, I don't know the story but I would probably side with her no matter what, I started thinking about where I would draw the line.

Well in the past the phrase one more time has come up more than once. With my first love it was if she breaks up with me one more time then I will just let it stay that way, well that did not work out so well. Because she was my first love and needless to say I was a stupid kid that was dealing with adult issues. The breaking point came when she made me lose my temper. Looking back on it I really am surprised that I lost my temper. I don't like to talk about myself often but I like to think that I have a fairly long fuse. It happened with just a snap of her fingers. This time the do it one more time worked, cause with that snap of her any grip of control that I had was gone, replaced with ice. And that was all I was inside cold hard metal, it actually reminded me of when I was back in high school wrestling, I was driven, had purpose, and nothing would sway my single minded pursued. And so after that I ended it for all time with four words. Temper burning for days, I remember how good those workouts felt. Or really the pain that was burned through that.

Okay so I guess you could say that I don't like to be snapped at, but that snapping came after a barrage of verbal abuse over the course of two years. For this David has added the honeymoon rule. Which is rule three in Brandon's rules of dating: "If she freaks out in the first three months of you and her going out it is not a good sign and you need to leave her. Now this freak out has to be about something that you would not freak out about. Someone dying that is fine to freak out about but me not calling for a week because I have been on family vacation in a place where there is no cell service, not okay. This reasoning came to him because in the first three months of the relationship she is trying to impress me by putting on her best behavior so if she freaks out because I didn't make my bed then it probably would not be worth it anyway, his logic not mine.

Secondly I guess another breaking point for me is long period of unhappiness. For her not me, I stood two years of unhappiness and didn't budge until I lost my temper. But if she is not happy then it really brings me down. I try to be a happy go lucky guy, and I know that I do have days where I just have a sour look and a mean disposition but generally I am around with a smile and a terrible joke ready. So all summer she was depressed even though we would talk every day, I wrote her letters using a pen that was very special to me, even ran the darn thing out of ink on the last one. For the most part she would hang up the phone with a somewhat angry "OK bye." It really did not help that none of my friends liked her at all. It really did not help that they were telling me disturbing things about her. So I guess long standing depression would be a breaking point for me as well. But how long is long? I mean a week can seem like years if you are really trying to cheer up someone like that. I will just say arbitrarily that it is a month, yeah a month sounds good. A month solid of me trying to cheer her up with her still being depressed it might be time then to think about how serious I am about this girl.

Third would definitely be self mutilation. Yeah she was a crazy one, I did not know how to handle it, in my mind everything that you do is a conscience decision. You just stop doing it and it stops. Smoking, drinking, drugs, to me (and I know that this sounds arrogant) the addiction is all in your head, sure the body goes through some withdrawals but if you want to stop then just stop. My grandfather wanted to quit smoking because I asked him to, and you know how many times he quit? Once. He put them down and he never touched one again. Now he was not the classiest person in the world (the magazine incident at my graduation party is a definite indicator of that) but he was real. I would trade all the class in the world just to be like him. But that is neither here nor there. I would say that if a girl cuts herself that is another deal breaker for me as well, I might try to help her but while she is doing that we could not be in a relationship. I don't think that she should be in a relationship if she is doing that because obviously she is not happy with herself, why else would she be cutting her flesh, and if you are not happy with yourself then another person will not make you happy either.

Fourth, I would have to say that I will not take direct physical abuse, unless it is in a setting where I am expecting it, wrestling, or sparring (as unlikely as that might be) but if I am just sitting on the couch innocently watching the Giants game, and my one and only gives me a shot to the jimmies with out warning I would say that all of the sudden that girl definitely not the one for me, which means it might be time to be hitting that old dusty trail.

Alright so that covers the breakups that I have been through. On to new territory, what would I now consider a deal breaker with a girl? Well there are some easy ones, smoker, or drug user, yeah... Sorry it isn't working out. Cheating, I know that I told the first one that we would have to talk about it first but now I think that probably not. I think that it is not too much to ask for her to get along with my family. Cause they are not going anywhere, they will always be there. She however might be another story. Oh and she has to like big dogs. That is a must definitely, cause I am having more than one at my house. Piercings... Not a fan, ears are good but best if kept to one. Other places on the face really not a fan: eyebrow, nose, lip, I really just do not think that they look good, that and the torment that I would receive for dating a girl with fishing tackle on her face would not be cool. I especially dislike the belly button piercing. I do not know what it is about it I just really dislike it almost as much as smoking. For the simple thing of I do not want to get my own belly button pierced if I go in to kiss her and she is wearing a bathing suit. If I really cared about the girl I think that I could forgive her of these but piercings in placed where clothes cover... I am not even going there. If she does not like how I work out well I will apologize to her and be on my way. If she doesn't want kids well sorry but I do.

What else... mmm ooh yeah if she is not accepting of my omnivoreism that is fine I will not be fine with her onmeforever. I don't like old conflicts arising I understand that at times they might not get resolved but I would say that if they get brought up more than four times then it should have been either put in the past or she needs to be.

Now these are not deal breakers but there are sore spots with me, I really do not like to have my intelligence questioned (I do not display my full intelligence all the time because it would be boring), and I do not like people telling me that I am getting out of shape, the only people that can say that I am fat are Brooke, and other wrestlers that I know, because only they know what in shape really means to me. But I am more talking about what I will stand for and what I will not stand for. I think that if she constantly tells me that I am not good enough or not intelligent eventually I would share the feeling and leave.

I think that I would also not like a girl that drank a lot. I know that I am not currently able to say what a lot is but I think that I could probably tell the difference between a little innocent fun and something that I need to worry about. Oh and if she is not fine with my drinking only when I choose or not experimenting with drugs at all then sorry but my body my rules with that one.

I think that I just need to be more assertive of my will. In the past I have just let her (whom ever her was) make the decisions. If an argument I would just fold to get the fight over with because I thought that it was fine if we were just not fighting. Which lead down the path of her always getting her way which has made her think that her way is the instant way that we will be taking. So I think and I hate to say this I think that I need boundaries. I have always felt that boundaries with the one that you love should not be there, like you are holding something back, but maybe just hold on to some things for a little while, and don't just fold so that everything is alright again, to maybe keep some sense of self which I have a bad reputation of losing when a female turns my head.

Lastly I apologize to Maurice for that hour and a half conversation that you were forced into.

This is not everything and I know that some of this will probably be compromised in the future just because that is what happens, but at least I have some idea, now that I have actually thought about what it is that I will and will not accept. Then instead of just rolling over and dying like I always did in that one aspect of my life (always found it somewhat strange that in all other aspects of my life I fought to the death) I can think about what it is that is happening, see that it is on my list and then think about how much this thing that she is doing or not doing (like not liking big dogs) bothers me.

And now to finish out the night at one thirty in the morning a little Keith Anderson playing one of my favorite songs, Pickin' Wildflowers. Country is not everyone's thing (most of my previous girlfriends for example) but it sure is mine. Even urbane city folk that I know it has grown on them....

Fond memories Aso and the nightlife

Pretty much nothing about Japan left a bitter taste in my mouth, with the exception of the pointiness and hardness of their nightstand's. Long story. Well actually short embarrassing story. And the way that their high speed tram come out of nowhere to swallow a football and then jump back not giving it back until someone makes an illegal climb at two AM.

Essentially I got to see Japan through rose colored glasses. The people that I met all actually wanted to meet me. I was not sleeping on the floor, I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. It was hot and muggy which reminded me of Georgia. The rice fields were beautiful, the way that they reflected the landscape off of their shining surface. The love hotels at first somewhat misunderstood now seem somewhat quaint, like a car in the nineteen fifties. A place to go with that special someone where no parents can hear the noise.

Aso was really cool. Although at first I didn't hear the name correctly since Maurice said it with a smile, making me think that he was calling me something else, it has an extra s and ends with hole. I just stayed quiet for a bit listening to them talk about airsoft guns and laughing a little bit on the inside at how much like me these ambassadors to Japan's children were, they just want to shoot someone. Then I saw a raccoon dog with church bell sized danglies, and I was told that it was a Tanookie. Those large danglies apparently have magical powers. The car ride up to Aso (now I had confirmed the name since I saw it on a sign) was pretty. With sweeping valleys, and grand vistas, there was a few stops where there was some fun to be had. At one Maurice got beat by the queen of the balancing on the parking spot raised up thing, Lisa, but of course so did everyone else that stepped up to try and take her crown. I having learned that it is not wise to take crowns from women, politely declined the challenge. I would say that Karen would get points for being closest to knocking her off of her throne, there being a few times where both of them fell and Karen just barely making it to the ground first. Then we get up to this nice look out spot where you can see the town below and the volcano above. I figured that I would be taking everyone's picture being that I am not one of the select ALT group, but this time I actually was a part of the group. It was pretty cool. Being that I have been on the outside of a lot of the groups that I was involved in, usually because of how I worked out. But that didn't matter, I was just one of the group, I could really tell when Tan played a little trick on me by telling me that this green stuff was apple juice. As it turned out it was apple vinegar juice. Which tasted horrible. But me not wanting to waste food chugged it all down with a burning sensation left in my throat. Probably should say something about the mountain before I move on. Well there were bunkers, a green pool, and a field of black, with some sulfur smelling air. Oh and me suprising Karen by pulling her up on one of the bunkers one handed. There is nothing like seeing normal stoic Maurice running like an idiot and jumping over a bench, just to see if he can prove that he is a man, I once again declined to play in the reindeer games, thought about it but decided that I would save my self defacing act for when it is that they will never expect it. Anyway the volcano was awesome, unfortunately I ain't good wit de words so put that little description into your imagination and make it into something great. Ok back to the restaurant that I was drinking apple vinegar juice in. All of us were hungry, and we were running up and down this mall trying to find some place where we could eat, until we ended up at the entrance that we started at. Only this time we went up stairs. Good food, and it was kinda funny to see the women go gaga over the sinfully delicious dark cake that the restaurant had made available. Finally we were all stuffed and decided to go to the city where we would be spending the night.

hilarity ensued when we could not find the hotel. Luckily we had the wonderfully good humored Japanese tour guide Rumi with us that got us close enough for her to ask directions. Then more hilarity when Maurice and I saw the bed and the room that we would be sharing. If Maurice stood up straight when he was walking through the door he would hit his head at about eyebrow level. Ah the price of being tall, women are more attracted to you, but you cannot fit into a Japanese shower. Which was funny because I had to duck to get my head under the shower in that place. And the bathroom was like that of an airplane bathroom only with a bathtub attached to it, oh and the toilet had a built in rinse cycle if you know what I mean, you just have to be careful of which button you push or you might get water incoming instead of water outgoing. Once Maurice and I had showered up and were looking spiffy, well he was looking spiffy I was just looking like I always do. Waiting in one of the ALT's room for everyone else to show up, while they were making drinks. Once everyone was there plus Tan's friend Kyle we went to a a bar run by a former ALT. This was while we were waiting for a Mexican restaurant to free up some space, we were just in there having some fun, taking pictures, having interesting conversations. Then it was time to go questions got asked that regarded the movie preference, Eric being the brave one, or maybe just the one that wanted it the most asked the bartender which he was politely told no. Off to Mexican. The women not wanting to get their stylish coffiures wet I offered them my jacket allowing me to walk through the rain. Something that I love to do. Maurice and I lost the group and passed the restaurant because of some interesting photo opportunities. Also we found all three reasons to be out that night before we hit the restaurant. And then some. Good times. The restaurant was a mix of darts, fajitias, and tequila sunrises, off to kereokie, more fun clear things, loud singing, bonus to the women for the impressiveness of their vocals. Then off to a club, got handed a jar of bad smelling bad tasting, essentially bad rice juice. Just couldn't do it. Made it to the club and there it was moving like an idiot with glimpses at a rather attractive girl standing over yonder dancing seemingly by herself. Slug of tequila and a slug of whisky, some deep talking with my brother, and the night is being cut short. Go back and talk nonsense for another hour and fall asleep waking up five hours later stinking to high heaven and dragging badly. The next day was good although it was a blur, between restaurant which was good but suffered the problem that most Japanese restaurants have, portions not big enough, then a book store, then a castle with some ninjas that I got a pictures of. And then it was a long drive home. Those people over there were good folk. It was kind of funny trying to convince Lisa and Karen that I didn't want my Jacket that I really did enjoy walking in the rain, (Which I do, one of my favorite things, like raindrops on roses...). It was a good time to be had with some really nice people.

Needles and Emergency Rooms

Nothing like waking up with a strong pain in your gut. Running upstairs and waiting around the toilet for an hour before deciding that it was probably just a false alarm, only to wake up an hour later at three in the morning to sprint up the stairs cause this one is not a false alarm. Rinse repeat for the next five hours, except after the next hour there is nothing left. Go to the doctor and they say that white cells are high and probably should go to the hospital. Get there at ten, injected with all manner of things, and have to drink a barium smoothie, lucky for me it was berry flavored. Still gross. Being poked and prodded while my middle region is all tied up in knots. Getting asked the same questions and at five pm they tell me that it is not my appendix that I have abdominal pain of unknown cause. Great. Clear liquid diet for a little while, plain grits for breakfast, even better, but at least I am not going to die. So there is some good news. Unless it is that it was only in the early stages of appendicitis and it will come back to haunt me later. Then it is an ambulance ride to the hospital and then a cutting of my abdomen. Good times. Gut still hurts, can't do anything, hungry like I have been cutting weight, and there is no end in sight.
I was told if it feels worse come back and we can run more tests. Yippie. Supposedly I am fine, except it still hurts.

Could not stand it

They all told me to just stay that way. I tried it for a long time. I just could not stand it the way that it was. So I fixed it. I know that I spent a lot of money at someone else's request to get it done right but the way that it is now cost me nothing. And I like it so much more. The way that it feels and the way that it looks, it makes me happy and that is what is important.

Oh and metal should never go where I found out someone put it. Couldn't believe it.